My Descent into Insanity

The last will and testament of the rational mind of Dan Bell. What proceeds is the chronicle of my descent into insanity, down from whatever small modicum of sanity I had to begin with.

Tuesday

8:30 p.m. - Lindsey just left with her cousins. She’ll be gone the next couple days visiting family. I’ll miss her.

9:18 p.m. - Lacking anyone else to talk to, I told Mousetrap (our cat) about my latest contribution to the game. When I was done, she simply got up and walked away. Seems Mousetrap doesn’t want to hear about it anymore than Lindsey does.

10:32 p.m. - Bored, I told Mousetrap about the advantages and shortcomings of Capitalism. In response, she licked her butt. This proves, once and for all, that Mousetrap is indeed a Communist.

12:00 a.m. - For a change of pace, Mousetrap and I traded sleeping spots for tonight. She sprawled out over the bed, and I curled up in a tiny little ball on the pink chair. I woke up purring and licking my butt.

Wednesday

1:23 p.m. - Getting desperate for a job, I asked if Mousetrap would be willing to hire me. We even had an interview. She sat one side of the desk in her pink chair, and I sat opposite her, saying everything I could to try to convince her to give me a job. Eventually, she jumped over the desk, climbed into my lap and started purring. Presuming that meant I was hired, I asked her how much the job would pay. She responded by leading me over to her food dish. I’m not sure if that meant she would be paying me to replenish her catfood, or simply that she intended to pay me in catfood.

8-9 p.m. - After dinner, Mousetrap and I gave each other manicures. This was deeply disturbing to me, Mousetrap, and the majority of a small town in rural Arkansas, after I hacked their only television station and broadcast it to them via webcam.

Thursday

Sometime in the morning - I really have to ask myself: Why? Why do I sit here, tapping away at this thing with the buttons and the keys and the windows? WHY?!

A few minutes later - WHY DON’T YOU EVER TELL ME THE THINGS I REALLY NEED TO KNOW, COMPUTER?! WHY?!?!

(What’s this time thing again?) - We must kill the zombie rabbits! Hitler doesn’t want them building space stations!

Asparagus. Trousers. Lightbulbs. Habenshrodengooshdunen.